Hello, and welcome to Momlympics 2014! I'm your host Bob Costas.
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| Try not to barf. |
Matt: No Bob, you really need to leave. Your eye infection is out of control. You're making the whole world sick. People around the globe are tweeting nonstop about your eyes.
Bob: What do you mean?? I can see just FINE. Just get me a little shlipper of Vodka and my eyes will be healed.
Matt: Are they healed now, Bob?
Bob: No. But I feel so niiiiiiiice.
Matt: Give me your seat Bob.
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| He just can't wait, the old vulture. |
Bob: NO Matt. I know how you are. No one has forgotten Ann Curry. It's just too fresh, Matt.
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| Ann: I still hate you, Matt. |
Matt: Ok. Up next is the Nail Clipping event! You moms out there know ALL about clipping nails, but some of you are even professional nail clippers. Representing the USA we have Colleen Martin. Colleen is the mother of five children, blogger at Martin Family Moments, and she and her husband are expecting baby number six!
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| Look how cute!:) |
Colleen: Matt? Matt?
Matt: I'm sorry, I'm just in shock. I didn't even know that human beings could have six children.
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| Don't let my wife get any ideas. |
Colleen: Matt. you don't get out much, do you.
Matt: Colleen, let's talk about your nail clipping record! I'm looking at your stats, and they are impressive. It says here that you can clip FIFTY nails in FIFTY seconds??
Colleen: Yes Matt, that's correct.
Matt: WOW. And you have a new sponsor, is that right?
Colleen: Yes, I'm really thrilled to have a new contract with Sally Hansen Nails. They are such a great company and I'm very proud to be their Olympic spokesperson.
Matt: Okay. That's great. Up next we have Colleen's only competitor, Olga Schmivboooologagtazotovikowitz, from Denmark! WELCOME OLGA!
Olga: meh. Dank you, Mate.
Matt: Matt.
Olga: Mate. Yes.
Matt: Olga we are so excited to speak to you today, because you have 16 dogs that you parent, dogs of all different shapes and sizes. Is that right?
Olga: Mate. Yes.
Matt: Olga that is WONDERFUL! Is it true that you have adopted these dogs from all over Denmark and that you actually breastfed some of these dogs because they were starving??
Olga: Yeh.
Matt: Incredible, Olga! You are truly a mother of many! In today's event, you are going to be clipping the nails of a few of your dogs, correct?
Olga: Meh.
Matt: Well Olga, we wish you all the luck in the world! This is incredibly exciting. We're rooting for you!
Olga: (indiscernable gutteral sound)
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| Caolleen ain't havin that. |
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| Colleen's husband Phil ain't havin that. |
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| Ashley Wagner ain't havin that either. |
Oh it's about to get REAL, peeps.
AND THEY'RE OFF!!!!
Colleen Martin, clipping nails like crazy!!
Olga Schmivboooologagtazotovikowitz, clipping some dog toenails. Whatever.
I'm sorry, but there's only one winner here.
Congratulations Mrs Martin!!! YOU ARE THE GOLD MEDALIST IN THE NAIL CLIPPING CATEGORY!!!
YOU ARE AN OLYMPIAN!!!!!!
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Except for Bob. He's still drinking.
So much harder to clip animal nails. I would go for Denmark.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, Unknown. I don't know. I've gotten bitten, scratched and punched many a time while clipping my children's nails. Colleen wins.
DeleteI'd agree with you, MamaH. My sister used to crawl under the table, screaming, when my mom tried to cut her nails. We were employed as the "Emily holders," and I have a scar on my shoulder. Nuff said.
DeleteHilarious! Bob would better be cast in Sunday's episode of The Walking Dead than returning to the Olympics!
ReplyDeleteAHAHAHA! Oh poor Bob! I'm starting to feel bad now. The poor guy just can't help it. lol
DeleteYou are awesome and jsut made my day- this is hilarious! You have Matt down pat!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kelly!:) Glad I could make you laugh!
Delete;0)
ReplyDeleteBahahaha! Go, Colleen, gooooooooo!
ReplyDeleteI lose this one, every single time. I hate clipping nails. As a first time mom I made my 3 weeks old baby bleed. A couple months ago I clipped my 4 years old's nail way too far down. My kid's nails are always too long, except when they're too short. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteDid I mention I hate clipping nails?
Lisa, I'll tell you what I do, and it's really gross so if you stop reading my blog I will understand...I bite my baby's nails. I bite them right off. Very carefully. The reason is because I have drawn blood with nail clippers, too, and it's so awful. Biting works.
DeleteHaha! You're not the first person to recommend that. I just can't bring myself to do it. But I'm not passing judgment on anyone, we all just do what we have to do :) And I'm in the midst of potty training my 3 year old boy...nothing is gross to me anymore.
DeleteMy son started biting his own nails soon after his little brother came along...I think I was just forgetting it too much....#mommawins At least I only have to clip one child's nails...for now! ;)
DeleteHeather, you are hysterical. And I am honored and humbled to be the first medal winner in the Momlympics!!
ReplyDeleteCongrats, Colleen!
DeleteAnd Heather, this was SO funny! (I miss Ann.)
Thanks Colleen and Bonnie!!:) Colleen, your nail clipping event was so funny and odd and kinda gross and intriguing that I could only say yes to it!
DeleteBonnie, I miss Ann too. She was so caring. She would ask somebody ONE question in that soft gentle voice and I would start bawling! ha! Damn Matt had to ruin everything!
Awesome, love it! Colleen, you are a true hero!!
ReplyDeleteWord. Colleen IS a true hero. And so sweet too!
DeleteThis is too good!! But really, I'm so sad for Bob. And missing him, too!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lauren! yeah, I really do feel bad for Bob. Can you imagine having pink eye in front of all the earth?? And yet here I am mocking him. lolol
DeleteGo Colleen!! I would love nail clipping. I clip 1 nail every 50 minutes and 49 of those minutes involve lots of coercing/bribing and threatening.
ReplyDeleteI think your next Momolympics should be hair brushing, especially hair of little girls who think getting their hair brushed is akin to torture. Either that or potty-training.
Huh..why does that say I would love nail clipping. It should say that I would lose nail clipping.
DeleteYes to the hair brushing event! I was one of those little girls, and my hair wasn't even very long. "Ow! OW! OWWW!" I would howl every. single. morning. squirming in front of the bathroom mirror as my poor mom brushed and brushed. My baby sister watched it all with fascination - and, to my shame, her Very First Word was…wait for it…"ow!"
DeleteI've clipped nails on Rottweilers, Dobermans, German Shepherds, Mastiffs, etc... Kids are harder! Colleen FTW!
ReplyDeleteI don't mind doing the actual clipping. But I only ever notice that they need the clipping in Mass or when I'm putting them to bed and so I put it off another day. Until someone ends up bloodied by someone else's claws and it gets moved up the priority list. And then I'm all, "Oh good, glad that's done." Then, just DAYS later, I notice that their nails need to be clipped again and I'm like "What gives?! I JUST clipped all these nails!"
ReplyDeleteCongratulations Colleen.
Where can I get my official Colleen Martin gold-plated nail clippers?? Coming to a Target near me soon I hope!
ReplyDeleteAnd Bob Costas seriously; when your eyes have their own Twitter account it's time to throw in the towel.