Momlympics

So, who's watching the Winter Olympics??

We are! We're pretty pumped about it. As you may know, I'm a huge fan of winter as it is (go ahead, Polar Vortexers - hate me), but you throw in some snow games and I am SO there.

Hmm what else...welp, I just caught myself eating like an animal again. Just who am I becoming?? I don't know, but it terrifies me.

The other night I slept for...wait for it....NINE WHOLE HOURS. WHA?!?!? Yes. Here is me, sleeping for nine whole hours:

See? Your prayers are working!

I fell asleep at nine and never woke back up. Well...I woke back up for five minutes when Dan was getting ready for bed, saying something to me about how I'd abandoned him during our regular hang out time, but then I closed my eyes and went right back to sleep.

Sorry Danny.


The next morning I woke up at 6:30 am, which is awesome, as my preferred wake up time on weekdays is between 6 and 6:30. I came downstairs, had my coffee, did some light facebooking,

got the baby when she cried

and then gave the kids their baths.

I took my shower

weirdo

and afterwards we came downstairs,where I made them some melting snowman pancakes which I thought up on the fly, but I'll bet ya five benjamins you can find them on Pinterest or something.

This picture looks absolutely nothing like a stack of pancakes, much less a melting snowman pancake,
and if it makes it's way onto Pinterest I will die of embarrassment. 

Oops looks like I owe ya five benjamins, cuz I can't find what I made on le Pinetereste.

The kids loved them, though! Miabelle was in her high chair eating Cheerios and when she started screaming, I gave her some pancake parts until she was happy again.

 "Oh yay!" I thought. "Now I can make MY breakfast!" because sometimes I'm so busy doing stuff for everyone else that I don't take care of my own basic needs.

 I know I'm not alone in this! I bet half of you haven't even brushed your teeth yet today. Don't lie! Mamknows.

Sometimes I'll forget to eat breakfast,

but then a few hours later I'll be all hangry and stomp over to the fridge, grab a handful of salami slices and just stuff them in my mouth like an actual baboon.

It's shameful. It really is.

You can tell I feel ashamed about it by the way my eyes dart around, kind of like Jesse Pinkman's eyes would whenever he was really strung out.I hide behind the fridge door hoping no one will see me do this.

Thank you Mr Pinkman.

Well...part of me is hiding because I don't want the kids to steal my food.


 So. I made my breakfast - an egg and some home fries - but Mia started wailing, so I had to practically throw my food into a bowl. I  barely even had time to drizzle it with hot sauce! That's just wrong.

You put hot sauce on your eggs, right? I hope you do.

So I run over to the table with my bowl and my fork and the baby is still crying, so I take a big bite of my food and I try to feed her some more pancake bites, but I'll be danged if she didn't just look me right in the eye and flash her tonsils at me while she screamed bloody murder.

I felt so bad for her and I can't eat when someone is scream-crying in my face, so I picked her up and she calmed right down. I had her in my right arm. This is a problem as I am right handed and I just can't do stuff with my left hand. I look like a moron when I do things with my left hand. Like today, when I tried to stir a pot of oatmeal left handed and the stupid pot actually started moving around the entire stove top in a big circle.

 Why? Why couldn't the food inside move in a circle? Because I can't do stuff with my left hand, that's why.

I tried in vain to get the food onto my left handed fork. It would not go on.

I kept missing. And missing. The baby was calm though, so I tried to set her down. Her whole body stiffened as she went into what I like to call "trapeze mode". Trapeze mode is kind of like when a baby stiffens their whole body and refuses to bend, and Mia does that too. When she does that, you try to hold her and it's like hugging a rake.

But Trapeze Mode is more like a graceful move she performs, however infuriating and mind boggling it may be.

So she wouldn't sit and I was hangry as hell. I had fed everyone, and yet here I stood.. starving to death in my own kitchen. Isn't THAT ironic, Alanis?!

It became quite clear that I would have to cut corners somewhere, and those corners would NOT begin with one Miss Miabella Gianna. No. Those corners would begin with me.

I held the baby securely in my right arm. She was peaceful there.

Then I did it. I did what no self respecting human being would do, but what EVERY desperate, ravenous, empty, famished nursing mother in need of food would do: I reached into that bowl with my bare left hand and I then ate that food out of my hand like a wild leopard dog.

All this leads me to wonder: when are they going to create Mom Olympics? We mothers are like gymnasts! Gabby Johnson might rock the balance beam, but we do lots of other things that are just as impressive!

Okay, almost as impressive.

For instance, I have learned that I can sleep kind of comfortably in a 3 inch wide stretch of mattress. It's remarkable how, just a few years ago, I would have likely woken the dead with my shrieks of terror had I found myself dangling like so from the edge of my bed at 3 am..yet these days it rarely bothers me. In fact, the thought of laying in the middle of my bed is kind of suffocating now.

Sweet dreams.

A few years ago I used to take my then 3, 2, and 0 year olds on walks. I pushed the two older ones in a double stroller and the youngest was strapped to my front in a baby carrier. We nearly stopped traffic! I find nothing extraordinary about this, but some people would consider this to be an Olympic event.

How many grocery bags have you discovered that you can carry while balancing an infant car seat in your arms, all while gathering your children around you?

Momlympics. I'm comin for you.

Has your baby ever started doing synchronized swimming moves while you nursed him or her?

I tried to make this as modest as possible.

If you bottle feed, has your baby ever straight up THROWN their bottle right at your head and you somehow had the wherewithal to catch it, Indian Jones style, just in the nick of time?

You hero.

I'm just sayin. I know the Winter Olympics are here, but we moms perform Olympic challenges every day, and we ain't got no gold medals. I say it's time we had our own events.

Momlympics. Say it with me. Momlympics.

And speaking of Momlympics, I'm trying to be a better blogger (another incredible feat, I know). I really am. At the same time, I'm adjusting our home schooling here and adding more to our days, etc etc etc so please be patient with me! But if you haven't heard from me, you could also pray for me and send me harassing messages. Be nice though.

So. Momlympics...what games would you add?