Listen up, y'all. Someone bout to pull a Kanye up in here.
Grace: Thank you so much. I always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe win one these someday but I never actually thought that would happen.
Me: Yo Grace, I'm so happy for you...and I'mma let you finish..but I got my own award to give out, Baby Girl. So just hold up a second and let me do diss.
Grace: what are you doing?
Me: why? is this weird? i'm just being funny.
Grace: this isn't funny. it's kinda rude.
Me: no i promise, people think it's funny
Grace: um. you're interrupting? and I think I am qualified to discern what is amusing and what is not. Know what I'm sayin?
Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
 |
| I barely SLEPT this week, OKAY??? I BARELY EVEN SLEPT!!!! |
I am here to announce that I am holding my own awards ceremony for a very special someone out there. This is an award which was originally a privately held, verbal ceremony. Today it takes on a new form as a virtual one, and no one is more excited than I. This award is aptly named:
The Ass of the Year Award.
What must one do to win this award, you ask?
Well, one must bear the characteristics of a true ass.
Are you a jerk? Are you condescending? Do you lack insight into the lives of others? Do people despise you or want to stab their eyes out with a pencil when you enter the room or appear on their television screens?
 |
| "I smell an award!" |
Then guess what? You could be a winner!!!!!
2014 has barely even begun and already we have found our Ass of the Year:
Governor Andrew Cuomo, please collect your prize!
You are the official winner of the Ass of the Year award! It's usually a privately held contest, but you took your asinine behavior to new heights with your recent comments about "extreme conservatives", saying that we "have no place in the state of New York."
 |
| Andy throwing a Mantrum. |
My goodness! It's time to seal the borders of New York, because little Andy lives in a bubble and he's not gonna share HIS state with anybody else.
Oh Andrew. I don't know if anybody ever told you this before you became governor, but there are all sorts of different people who live in any given area. These people have actual opinions that differ from yours. I know, Andrew, I know. It's CRAZY.
 |
| Tolerance. |
Andrew, did you know there are people in New York state who garbage pick? YES. They ride around on garbage night, rifling through other people's trash, soiling your state.
Did you know there are New York state residents who are murderers, racists, drunk drivers, and drug dealers?
Did you know there are people who live in New York State that don't like Sandra Lee's cooking and find it disgusting? Yes, these people exist! Shocking as it is, there are living, breathing people out here who don't like dumping five different cans of soup together to make one big soup, even if they hate cooking. Some of these people are even poor and they still like making actual soup from scratch, despite their poverty.
Andrew, when I was a single mother working two jobs and living on food stamps, I made quite the chicken noodle soup.
All homemade.
 |
| "What the *^&% did you just say?!" |
I don't know how to break it to you, Andy, but when you were elected, you became a SERVANT. Like..YOU work for US. It doesn't matter whether you like our views or not! You have a job to do, sir, so get your ass to work and DO IT instead of wasting our time.
And hey..you have some control issues. Maybe get yourself an ant farm! There you will find many little hard workers whose environment you can control as you wish. When you see them developing their own way of doing things, you can rise up, show em who's boss and kick them out of your house! You can even shove the whole aquarium in your limo and drive them to a whole different state, like maybe Texas.
 |
| "Ants, huh? I kind of like that idea." |
Me: Okay, that's it!! How'd I do??
Grace: I think I'm going to have a heart attack.
Me: no you're not.
Grace: Yes. I. Am. I'mhavingaheartattacki'mhavingonerightnow.
Me: Here let me hug you!!!
Grace:
Me: I love hugging all my friends!!!
Grace:
Congrats Grace, congrats Andrew, and thank you again everybody!!! You guys made my week!!!
Hilarious as always. So true too. Hope you get some rest though!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I won't exactly say it was a FIX (did Grace and her friends stuff the ballot box????) but in my book, (and no offense, Grace, because your blog is pretty funny too) YOU,HEATHER, HAVE THE FUNNIEST BLOG OF ALL THE ONE'S NOMINATED (even though I never actually read some of the blogs on the list, I still say this). I mean, your drawings alone... Com'on people!! Where's yur eyes?
ReplyDelete~ Bonnie (not from A Knotted Life)
I totally agree, Bonnie. :)
DeleteBut .... I really hope there was no foul play on the part of my peers/child servant voters. I lead by spotty example but I generally have standards.
Hey!! Grace won fair and square!
DeleteYou have incredible wit, Grace and totally deserve the win. Ain't no foul play goin on.
:-) Oh, I wasn't serious---I was just grousing, because my favorite didn't win (you MamaH) but Congratulations, Grace Marie, I know in my heart you won fair and square. And MamaH, you have CLASS girl, for sticking up for your rival. So I like you even more now.
DeleteAnd doing the Kanye thing, FUNNNNNNY!
You go, both you girls! ~ Bonnie (again, not from A Knotted Life)
Bahahahahahahha! You know I love this. I love it so much. What if you and Grave teamed up for Camp Honeychild? Or Mama Patton? You'd take the world by storm. World. By. Storm, I tells ya.
ReplyDelete*Grace!! Not grave!
DeleteMove to Missouri, we're known for our "extreme conservatism"!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletetoo funny!
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
ReplyDeleteThat's probably the best commentary I've read on that Cuomo situation to date. And congrats, you deserve it!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha.......congratulations eh! You and the Patton's need to plan a play date.
ReplyDeleteWhy is Grace so much taller then you? I mean, granted, your short, with the hands and feet the size of a little child's...but was this really drawn to scale, I ask you?
ReplyDeleteWhy you gotta call me out about my kindergarten hands?!!! It's just mean.
Deletehaha
there is no shame in tiny appendages...for a lady, anyways. would you rather have the feet of a clown with flipper-like hands?
Deletei also noticed that your head in these pictures is disproportionately large to your body. you are both very top heavy. where are your legs? makes me think of the dane cook kool-aid skit.
And is Grace wearing go-go boots?
DeleteSTEP OFF MY DRAWING SKILLZ NICOLE. I'm gonna draw you with flipper hands, clown feet and a head the size of Texas.
DeleteAccording to Mike...I do have a large head. But I just think the Wright folk have realllllly small heads. This was actually a concern to me in our wedding pictures as Mike has to wear child sized hats and glasses. And I mean, look at Kristin and Becky's heads! They could have hair down to their waist and I could still split a box of hair dye between the two of them!
DeleteAlso, I have very large hands that have indeed looked like flippers in family pictures. It is truly sad. You have dug up some deep wounds! Deep wounds indeed.
Aren't you glad I can comment on your blog now!
DeleteYes, Andy is making his father, Mario, proud. But he's making this native NYer angry.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister!
Deleteoh.my.word. I can't get enough of this!
ReplyDeleteBRAVO!! And that Sanda Lee... She's got scary devil eyes, I swear.
ReplyDeleteI find this racist and not very funny
ReplyDeleteI am very curious as to how you "find this to be racist". Can you please explain your opinion? I am genuinely curious.
DeleteI find your statement anomalously anonymous.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteAnonymous at 12:09pm knows that you are showing truth in humor, and can't handle the truth, and s/he cannot win on fighting the truth. Thus, s/he has to throw something emotional at you, even though it's completely not applicable, to divert the conversation, and discredit you.
Delete"Racism!" is one of those emotional words that works well at shutting down conversation and turning all logic and truth to emotion. Signed, a nativer NYer who can't freaking stand her home state anymore, and who has always seen through Mario and Andrew.
That being said, this was a hilarious post.
"I don't know how to break it to you, Andy, but when you were elected, you became a SERVANT. Like..YOU work for US. It doesn't matter whether you like our views or not! You have a job to do, sir, so get your ass to work and DO IT instead of wasting our time."
ReplyDeleteSomeone please email this statement to Mr. Cuomo. And copy to all state governors, members of Congress, and our President!
yes yes yes. times a million. p.s. thought Cuoma was Obummer in the first picture, but either way, assES of the year!
DeleteI don't know which is funnier, the blog post or the comments! In any case, I'm posting it as my FB status. Then all my non-Catholic NY friends will pile on about how nobody who hates abortion can be hatin' in their statin'. Or something.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness.
ReplyDeleteJust. Oh.
I love your illustrations. They make me smile so, so very much.
So you obviously aren't alone in your awarding the Ass of the Year Award. Thought I would share an editorial a priest friend of mine sent to our local paper. http://www.mymalonetelegram.com/opinion/letters_to_editor/article_5e45dc42-390c-5f29-98b9-a379205b5fe2.html
ReplyDeleteFr. Joe blogs at http://fromemptyhands.blogspot.com/
This was the best: "Grace: I'mhavingaheartattacki'mhavingonerightnow". ha ha that's exactly how she talks (writes)! You do Ms. Patton very well :)
ReplyDeleteAlways fun to read your blog... and the resulting comment stream! Thanks for a good time, Mama!
ReplyDeleteLove it!
ReplyDeleteSuch much truth combined with great laughs.
You've been given quite the gift!
Oh,typos.
DeleteClearly meant to say, "so much..."