These Days

Now this is a story all about how
 my life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell ya how I almost had a breakdown and pulled out my hair.
In Western NY I was born and raised...
Oh forget it.
The last few months have been so crazy. So good in so many, many ways...but also crazy.
In April I was getting really frustrated with the lack of order/organization that is usually inevitable with having a new baby.
I am the kind of person that is unable to function without a list and some kind of loose schedule. Most mornings, when I wake up, I don't even know what the h I'm doing for at least the first hour. I am in a daze. A morning fog, if you will.
Luckily, my children enjoy doing things like argueing over who just looked at them first and playing Wild Tiger Family or Let's Be Puppies Who Can Bark, Whimper And Speak The English Language from the moment they wake up, so that my feeble mind is continually rattled throughout the morning. I sip my coffee and pray random prayers like "Why God?" and "Please Jesus just help me now" until my mind finally awakens from it's slumber.


6:31 am. Rise and frickin SHINE.

The night before is my real problem because I rarely go to bed at a decent hour. I mean, HOLLA if ya hear me, but I go to bed really late because that's when Dan and I can finally hang out. We do fun things like watch the news and laugh at the overly excited meteorologist. No, really. We have the best meteorologist. He's loud, cheerful, red faced, short and quite overweight. In fact, he makes being overweight look like a ton of fun. And I almost believe it is until I look at my healthy self (aka not healthy. ie: "Girl you ain't fat, you just is HEALTHY") in the mirror.
Where am I going with this? Not sure, so buckle up.
So what with my poor going to bed schedule and my poor waking up schedule and being a mere few months post partum, I came up with a plan. Because the best time to come up with a plan is when you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed.
I decided that I would change my WHOLE buh-leeping life ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
What can I say? Go big or go home.
It works for my meteorologist.
Here was my list:

1. Losing Weight
2. Changing the Family Schedule
3. Developing New Chore Routines For Me
4. Developing New Chore Routines For Children
5. New Nighttime Routines For Me
6. New Nighttime Routines For Children
7. New Morning Routines For Me
8. New Morning Routines For Children
9. Declutter House. Declutter It Intensely, In One Weekend So That You Have A Garbage
   Pile In Front Of Your Home That Is Of Such
   Gigantic Proportion That Upon Arriving At Your Curb, Your Garbage Man Can Be Heard Saying The Words "OH SHIT!!!" At The Top Of His Beautifully Functioning Lungs.
10. Stop bad yelling habits.
11. Stop biting nails.
12. Climb Mt Laundry and Do It All At Once
13. A Million Other Things.
14. Try To Be Perfect.
15. As Your Father In Heaven.
16. Is Perfect.
17. Smile.

This craptastic phase lasted until mid-May when I started having panic attacks. You know, at night when you really would love nothing better than to have a panic attack.

My arms aren't really that short though.





 

Nothing brings you to your knees like a good old fashioned panic attack.
It's just you, God, your paralyzing fears, and maybe a spider dangling from the ceiling above your head, just for good measure.
 I  have to admit that most times Dan would wake up and coach me through it. Maybe he heard me gasping for air, which is remarkable since he has sleep apnea and wears one of those loud sleep masks which I kindly left out of the drawing.
Anyway, I am now learning what they call "being gentle with yourself".
I will tell myself things like "Oh look at you, you magical little butterfly! You're really soaring now!Look at you just drying these dishes like a star!!" but I say it in a whisper (an excited whisper) so that I don't startle myself.
I reach my stout little arms around to my back and try to pat it. Sometimes I can't reach. But you know, my back understands what my arm is trying to do.
I comb my hair with a feather. I sing myself little songs..at home, in the car, in line at Target, at the public library. My current favorite is "Won't You Be My Neighbor" by one Mr Fred Rogers, a truly gentle voice in a world of stop signs and other harsh realities.
Thanks to Dwija, I might even take up Prancercising.

source

But seriously...It's super humbling to go through something like this (mostly because it kind of makes you feel like a freak) but I think alot of moms go through it.
I was talking to a friend about it and they said when you're having a panic attack the best thing you can remember is "This too shall pass. It won't stay like this". I know it sounds like a load, but it really helped. The same friend also recommended walking a mile every other day in 15 minutes time. No fancy excercise clothes, no treadmill. Just throw on your sneaks and get out the door. That helped me big time.
The morning is my favorite time to do this. Just being alone outside listening to the birds, burning some calories before my kids wake up and my husband leaves for work has proven to be exactly what I need to start my day right. But even when I fail to start my day that way, I have found that simply having less expectations in the morning has worked wonders. For awhile there my demands of myself and my kids were just way too much. In fact, one of the very best decisions I made was to homeschool in the afternoon instead of morning.
Sometimes you have to let go of your expectations. We look at things like Pinterest and magazines and we want our lives to look like that, all shiny and clean and put together, but life ain't Pinterest, honeychildren. Life is messy and change takes time. As my brother so wisely told me, it's kind of like the Christian life: you take a few steps forward, a few back, and you make progress a little bit at a time. That's usually the most healthy way to go, the kind that really bears fruit. Slow and steady wins the race and all that stuff.
So that's what I'm learning these days, and I feel good about it. I hope you're feeling good these days, too.