Barf Fest 2012 ended after a fantastic crescendo, with me scurrying back and forth to the bathroom all night long carrying a large silver bowl in my hands (just in case I didn't make it). I actually shouldn't say "scurrying", because the pelvic girdle pain I'm experiencing at 9 months gestation makes me walk like an honest - to - God penguin in the middle of the night. So really, I was waddling, or even staggering, if you will.
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| You know I can't leave out my birds. |
I have also reached that point of pregnancy which I refer to fondly as "The Chris Farley Stage". But let me be specific. Remember this guy?
Ah, yes. That's exactly the image I was looking for. Good old Matt Foley. Rockin the obscene squat while practically doing the Twist to get those pants up. This is what I'm talking about, people. I do this now. And I can even give you a Motivational Speech while I'm at it. Additionally, I can perform this gesture with greater or lesser amounts of dignity, depending on the situation. Examples: After Mass, on the church stairs: "Hey ladies, can you just block me for a sec so I can adjust my clothes?" At the grocery store, after realizing I am not alone in the produce section: "Oh, pardon me sir, I didn't see you over there in the banana aisle! Are you alright? You look like you've just had a nightmare."
Due to the crazy pain I'm in, my midwife has me shopping around for one of these fun little numbers:
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| Sexytime. |
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| Female wrestler or modern day chastity belt. |
Plus side: Less pain. Minus Side: elastic indentations at the end of the day.
Plus Side: Feeling "reigned in". Minus Side: facing the possibility that someone could very well fling me across a room by pulling my back strap.
Plus side: I'd wear suspenders, even if only in secret. Minus side: I'd wear suspenders, even if only in secret.
The second one pictured here costs (are you ready? this is sickening.) $61.57. What the?! Is the diamond ring included? (side note: Is that just a random hand in there, or does it belong to the wearer of the contraption? I hope it's not random.) Why is it sooo much more expensive than the sexytime support belt?! Is it the extra piece of fabric/foam/elastic/ steel/ whatever that is??? Did that really put the company over the edge? "Well we would have charged the standard $43.93, but that is a high quality attachment you see there, handsewn in Wales, and signed by Mrs. Duggar." (I'm not making fun of you, Mrs. Duggar. You're a good lady. You've had to wear these things before, right?! Pray for me Mrs. Duggar!!! ).
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| Who was the Mastermind behind this image? |
What is the meaning of this photo? Are these ladies twin sisters, who just happen to be pregnant at the same time, both of them coincidentally needing to wear pregnancy cradles? Or is this a photo of one lady having a dream that there are two of herself (notice the fuzzy, dreamlike quality of the photo)? It's just weird. Still, I wonder what the conversation is about.
Cindy (on the left): Wow, you've really gained alot in your thighs.
Mindy (the right): I've always resented you. By the way, your hair is dull and lifeless.
I promise that after today, I will post something productive. But my weekend went down the tubes,so this is what we're left with. Feel free to mosey around on Amazon or the Internets and share with me your thoughts on which one of these Over The Shoulder Boulder Holders I should buy. That term seems incredibly appropriate in this situation, I think.
Oh, and then there's her, the Rambo of the Boulder Holder, sporting that fierce runway look that simply exudes femininity and boundless joy.
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| Is something amusing?? Smiling is for crybabies. |
No joke, my midwife gave me a script to get one of these too but every time I research them, the hubs laughs. My dignity will go down the drain, but it'd be worth it for the support, right? Right?!?!
ReplyDeleteRIGHT!!! blah. I don't know...I think? I hate that these things cost so much money. Especially right before Christmas. "Oh look! Santa brought me my own harness so that I can attach myself to his sleigh and be his 9th reindeer!" Anyway, I hear you. These things are probably super helpful and will provide some much needed relief, but they look awful. And I know my husband will laugh himself to tears as well:)
DeleteHow much can these things really help? Get an Ace bandage and wrap it up and down and through your legs. Either it will give you the support you need or the resulting wedgie will distract you from your tummy pains.
ReplyDeleteI've heard these things are awesome. Seriously by the end don't you just want a wheeled pedestal that you can rest your belly on and then it could just roll around with you?? This may be the next best thing, suspenders, jockstrap looking thing and all.
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