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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The One Upper

Do you have a one-upper in your life?

Does this person show up unexpected, maybe every few years.. chomping at the bit to give you advice? Wait. This topic pisses me off, so let's do something for a sec.

PUNCHING BAG TIME

Punch it out, baby.


ICE CHEWING TIME

Not too flattering.


STRESS BALL TIME

It's not an egg, I promise.


NOW we can talk.

Here's my quickie symptom check list of the one upper in your life.

* This person loves to treat you like you are new at everything. New at motherhood (even if you were a parent long before them), new at your faith, new at cooking, new at brushing your own damn hair. You know why? Because they are an EXPERT in ALL departments. Never doubt their list of talents or capabilities, or ability to spontaneously list them for you. If the One Upper has more children than you do, then  just remember that you know NOTHING as far as she is concerned. You are new. You will always be new.

*This person calls you every few years to "check up on you".  They don't really want a relationship..they called to one up.

* This person loves to hand out the advice. I mean, why not? God put them here to show the rest of us How It's Done! They think this, you know they do. Especially because they express that sentiment in various ways. In their mind, they were given a beautiful mission of being the example of Whatever It Is to all peoples.

* This person usually doesn't have anything to say to you until the moment when you announce a new endeavor (which they are the Mayor of) then all of a sudden they are there like underwear. They are ON you and good luck shaking them off cuz they're gonna hang on tight till they've given a list of advice. They say it's because they CARE, and maybe they believe they do, but it's really because they gotta correct your life and/or be superior.

Well I sure wish you weren't.


* The One Upper can't help but ask you about your old struggles from ten years ago. They must bring them up, and it's for your own good, so just submit the details of your private life to them during that hour long phone call they blessed you with after years of ignoring you. Part of One Upping is reminding the other person of who they used to be! And who they - in the One Upper's mind - will always be seen as.

No she did NOT.

* One uppers may appear AMAZING! HUMBLE! HEROIC! and even HOLY!, mostly because they tell you that they are. But one uppers are the biggest downers. Nothing is as maddening as the one upper, especially if you have even a shred of hope for them to treat you as an equal. ERASE THAT HOPE RIGHT NOW. You will never be their equal, because nobody is.

More on that in a minute.

What do you do when you feel like giving the one upper a one upper?

Yeah, I brought that back.


Well, let me open up my book of failed experiences for you and share that the first thing you should do when encountering the one upper is to shut up.



YES. SHUT UP. I am serious, you need to shut dat grill. You are gonna be soooo tempted to defend your own marriage, parenting, home schooling, faith life, social life, talents, abilities, home, homemaking, fitness regimen, hair, and your children's musical abilities. But DON'T DO IT. Besides, she's not gonna listen to you anyway.  Just shut up and let the One Upper be the best in the world, ever. Let her be the Most Holiest Amazingest Incredible Superhero WifeMom. Let her be the CEO of all things CEOish. Let her be the best at fill in the blank  . Compliment her if you want, because apparently she needs it.

I know it hurts.

WALK AWAY. I don't know about you, but I'm middle eastern and I have some anger issues, and I can only listen to someone else being a condescending jerk for so long before my internal timer is all like BEEEEEEEEEP! and my cortisol level is at WTF level.

This person looks really constipated.

It used to be that I would try to reason with the One Upper, justify myself to the One Upper, or even blow up at the One Upper. Not anymore (we all hope, anyway). No more. Because see, every time you find yourself floundering away, trying to look like you're on the One Upper's level, you're putting your heart out there and making a fool of yourself. And it's okay to be a fool for Christ, but honey you don't have to be the  One Upper's fool. They ain't God, even if you've been tempted to think they are and desperately wished for their approval.

Let the One Upper be the fool.

TRY NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY.  Listen, the One Upper probably has advice for the Blessed Mother and Christ Himself, so don't feel too bad. But Lawd!, this is the one I struggle with the most. I take it so flipping personally, and am tempted to feel like a real loser. But see, that's because I'm looking at myself through what I imagine to be the One Upper's eyes.Truth is, the One Upper is all full of fear. They 're so afraid that everyone else is better and more successful than them in any (and every) given area. See, the One Upper feels pretty damn low inside. That's why they have to one up.




BE SECURE IN WHO GOD MADE YOU TO BE. This one may take time, but all things are possible with God.

 God made you - a unique, irreplaceable you - and NO ONE ELSE can ever take your place, because nobody else is you. He only made one of you. You need to be here, finding your place in the grand scheme, fulfilling the unique role that God gave to you. The One Upper can take you from hero to zero in 1.2 seconds, but don't let them, because the One Upper does not define who you are - God does. Your identity is best understood and known through His eyes.

 The One Upper is not more special than you, okay? You don't need to prove yourself to her (or him). You just need to strive to be the best version of you that you can be..to love and serve God,  others. AND to love yourself.

Same goes for the One Uppers out there - and you don't have to stay a One Upper. The people you're trying to one up are not better than you. They're not a threat to who you are.You can chill out and stop striving and competing so hard. You're probably exhausted and need a rest. I know where you can find it.

Right here.


31 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Oh no, you owe me fifty dollahs for that one, Ellen! baha

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  2. Another great one! But what you SHOULD have said is ......... :)

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  3. Loved this! Perfect timing because I'm really struggling with the One Upper in my life right now…even though I don't even care what she thinks anymore! Ahhhh.

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    1. Ah, it's hard not to care..but good for you! You pray for me, I pray for you - how's that?

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  4. O.M.G. This totally reminds me of a blog I wrote about this exact subject. Except it was better! Here, let me read it aloud to you. Just kidding. Hahaha. Ha. Um.

    I cracked up about the underwear! And I sympathize. This is never easy to deal with. I love your advice. And thanks for the chuckles. Ok, ok, LAUGHS :)

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    1. HAHAHA! Well played, Tori. Well played:) You got me for a sec..I was gonna write "Post the link then!" lol

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  5. You make me laugh and speak to my heart all in one post. I love your blog.

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  6. I just might need to print this out and tape it to my wall…you continue to amaze!

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  7. Nailed it. Again. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I must remember them the next time I run across the One Upper in my life. :)

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  8. I don't even remember how I found your blog, but I am glad I did. You make me laugh. And I like that your BS radar is very similar to my own.

    BTW, your drawing of you on the phone with the nurse and the sweeping of your arms to try to quiet the littles still makes me laugh.

    Holly

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  9. Oh my goodness, Heather...thank you SO MUCH for this! This is exactly what I needed to read this week!!!

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  10. The blurred bird just cracks me up. Did you ever see any of the Kristen Wiig sketches on SNL where she one-ups everyone? So funny!

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  11. Hahaha..yes, to what Colleen just said.

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  12. This was AWESOME!!!! You nailed every point dead on. This needs to be made into pamphlets, placed into church vestibules, with a "suggested donation: ONE MILLION DOLLARS" sign next to them.

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  13. LOL Colleen, I looked it up: so funny! "I was pregnant with my cat..."

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    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX9xNn2f1Go

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  14. How do you handle it when the one upper is a 4 y/o neighbor girl. My 4 y/o is oblivious to it, but me the mom starts arguing with the 4 y/o. Actually I told her she was being rude.

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  15. Aww...s**t. Ever read a blog post describing a horrible person and think maybe...maybe...it might be talking about you? Maybe I'm wrong...anyway, thanks for the laughs and the food for thought!

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  16. Thank you!! I have a One Upper in my family circle. I needed this. I'll pray for you and Jen next time I'm being One Upped. It will make the One Upping worthwhile.

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  17. why do i get a mental picture of your kids rolling their eyes like, wth, mom's into the crayons again... every time you're doing picture for the blog. lol

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  18. You're the best, Heather! No one can write "real" important stuff and STILL be as funny as you can! Thanks for this post :) (um, PS... it's not me, is it??) ;)

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    Replies
    1. NO IT IS NOT YOU, I promise. It's not even anyone you know of..and she's not a family member either. Somebody I used to know that doesn't even read my blog (supposedly, lol).

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  19. Gosh, I really needed to read this.
    Funny and wise - you do them both so well.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, girl! Yeah I'm gonna need to re-read this myself, too, trust me!:)

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  20. Cortisol at WTF level. Peeing my pants laughing at that. Good advice too:)

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  21. My one-upper is...my mother-in-law. Yes. It's just as lovely as you can imagine. Thanks for the laugh!

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