Jesus At the Gym

Hello again! Checking in again for Jen's 7 Posts in 7 Days Challenge. Just to recap from yesterday, I started a six week weight loss challenge this past weekend, so sit back, relax, and eat something fattening that I don't need to know about while I tell you of my sufferings.

My first workout was yesterday morning at 5:30 am, which means I woke up at 4:30 am. 

"What?!!" you ask. "WHO is awake at 4:30 am?!?!?! Of their own free will?!"

Let me answer that for you. 

Owls are awake at 4:30 am. 

Bats are awake at 4:30 am. 

Coyotes are awake at 4:30 am.

And some birds are awake at 4:30 am too.

Which reminds me, I have a confession to make. You know how I love birds? Well I do. I'm obsessed with birds. 

But not at 4:30 am. 

And not at 6:30 am, either. 

That's why, in the past, I have resorted to throwing large cups of water out of my bedroom window at any cardinals or mourning doves who refuse to respect my time. I'm sorry, but you don't mess with me when I sleep. Even if you are a bird.

If you commit the crime, then you gonna do the time.

I drove out to the gym, and it was very dark out. It was kind of scary. I had to use my gentle voice.

That's not a ball..it's my steering wheel. 

I drove like a little old lady the whole way there. Thank God I had my brights on, because three deer were by the side of the road, hoping to kill me.

When I walked into the gym, I was greeted by some friendly trainers. Then I saw one trainer jumping around in the middle of the room. I stared partly in awe, and partly in dismay. "Why is he jumping around for fun?" I wondered. "It's 5:30 in the morning. There's nothing fun about that."

Soon it was time to begin. I was part of a large group of around 25 people. We were to excercise on a circuit, kind of like Curves..but this ain't no Curves, just so we're clear. I've been to Curves before, and it's nice and all, but this place I'm going to is way more intense. Also, there aren't many machines.

Like this machine, the worst machine known to womankind. I feel that this machine was specifically designed by a pervert. 

I'm sure we can come up with a less mortifying way to exercise the inner thighs.

That machine is so damn wrong and everybody knows it. 

So you can bet I was relieved to not see that Humiliation Machine at my gym. 

Before we really began the workout, a trainer came over to me and started explaining what we were going to be doing. He gave me a softball and a foam thing that looked like a bolster pillow. I thought for a second that we were gonna play softball, but he told me that these were for stretching. I know, it sounds so weird..and that's because it is. 

You take the softball and put it between yourself and the wall and roll it back and forth just under your collar bone. I honestly thought this guy was playing a prank on me for a second, but this was for real. 

That is certainly one AWKWARD photo.

Next he showed me how to use the foam pillow thing. You lay this thing under your back or legs or sides and you roll on it. It's crazy.

I'm just gonna stop right here and  say that this particular trainer had a glorious beard and long flowing hair that was tied back in a ponytail and he had very blue eyes. I AM NOT LUSTING OR ANYTHING. I am just saying that he looked like Jesus.

Bathed in light.

 I think his name is Mike or Bob or Bill or Howard, but we are going to call him Baby Jesus. 

Dan ain't havin that.

Actual Jesus ain't havin that.

After Baby Jesus showed me how to use the foam roller, it was my turn. 

For some reason (read: because I must always make an ass of myself at every turn in life) I was still holding the softball. I set it beside me and began rolling the pillow thing on my side. I rolled right off of it and the right side of my ass landed on the softball. 

It was quite painful, as well as embarrassing, but Baby Jesus either didn't see or he pretended not to see, which was a blessing either way. 

Next I had to roll on my back. It started out fine and without incident, but eventually I found myself rolling toward the middle of the room like a lone walnut spinning out of control. 

Just kidding, he was super nice.

Baby Jesus explained the exercises to the whole group. It was really overwhelming but pretty cool, except for the part where he was swinging the kettle ball between his legs, which was terribly concerning. I would not recommend this exercise to anyone who wishes to be a parent. It was frightening to watch, and all I could do was pray for God's protection. 

Sweet Baby Jesus, please be careful!!!

There was so much to do..resistance bands, squats, slamming a medicine ball on the ground, crazy kettle ball thing, and I don't remember what else, but it was AWESOME. It was difficult, but I really liked it. 

One of the things I like best about this place is that everybody is super encouraging. The trainers, the members...they have a great sense of humor and I love that. It's not like a regular gym, where everyone pretends they can't see anyone else. People actually act like they care, and I think it's because they really do.

A few times, in the middle of the most brutal routines, I've had other members turn to me and say "You're doing great!" This was while they themselves were ready to collapse. It was so cool and it made me feel like I really was doing great. 

And you know what?  I can see that Jesus really IS at the gym after all.